How could today get worse?

So, at the beginning of the day I felt pretty much like this.  Happy.  A little bit confused and obviously something bad was going to happen. 

Then I got an email from my 'husband' (we're not really married but it's been 10 LONG years so we might as well be.)  He saw our credit card bill (I shop sometimes when I get depressed; it's the way I was raised) I had bought some socks for our son.  Some $20 jeans for me, some plants for the front yard (we had been fined because our yard was so 'unkempt') and some books from the school book fair.  Oh, and groceries.  I almost forgot the groceries.  Granted; there were some extras on there but I don't feel that it his tyrannical approach was appropriate.

His email told me that the total cost was 'bulls**t' and I had to take it ALL back.  Return it all.  As much as I'd love to see the look on their faces as I tried to return half eaten food and washed & worn socks...I just won't do it.  Call me stubborn.  You won't be the first. 

So, this is how I feel now.  See that skull in the middle?  I wish that was him.  Just last night I was tell ing him that I had been working on my resume and applying to colleges.  His response- 'I don't think you can manage it.  You should just get a part time job and see if you can even do that.  But I doubt it.'  See all the other bones?  I'm the one buried under all of them. That's how he makes me feel.  Useless, worthless and buried.  And I've been putting up with this for 10 whole years.  He never kisses me or puts his arm around me.  At night he plays video games in his office while I read in bed.  We go to bed at totally different times and by the time I wake up, he's gone to work already.  Maybe that was okay 80 years ago but not now; not for me.

And now this is me.  Always chasing what I can't get.  But this time I'm going to work harder and catch the rabbit.  I feel bad that I have to take my son with me but I know it's for the best.  I'm going to get a job, go to school, move out and raise my son in an environment of joy.  He needs to learn to do what's best for him.  And staying in this home just isn't best for me.  Even he can see that.  He sees that I'm unhappy all the time.  That I sleep whenever I have a chance.  That I have constant headaches.  It's not best for him or for me and I'm sick of it.

If anyone out there has any advice for me...if anybody has made this sort of move before...Please help me.
Thanks.

Oh, I am so depressed.
I suppose you'll want to know why.
I want to take some college classes.
I'm 37 and for the last 9 years I haven't been working.  I'm bipolar and I suffer from crippling depression as well as migraines that can occur at any time and just knock my on my ass.  Literally, not subjectively.  Makes it hard to hold down a simple job like waitressing or cashiering.  I need a job that I am valued and cannot be easily replaced.  I also need a job where I can focus on my work, succeed and not feel unduly stressed.  
Because of my past I've been thinking that drug addiction counseling or simply counseling of any kind might be the best thing for me to pursue.
Unfortunately; my boyfriend (we've been together for 10 years but aren't married; think what you will about that) absolutely will not let me take any college classes - not even one until I have a job.  Not only that but he wants me to hold down a job for quite a while before I even consider taking a class.  
He says we just don't have the money.  Which in one way just isn't true and also, my parents would gladly loan me the money for school at any time.
What is his deal?  I don't understand.  He says he doesn't think I'll be able to do it but whether he thinks that or not he needs to be supportive.  I support his in everything he does.  Why do I get the shit end of this relationship.
I think I want out.  Our son loves his dad but he's so stern with him all the time, expecting more than the poor boy can give.  Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better for both of us to just find a new life.
I've thought about it.  Very strongly.  
Now what do I do?  
What?

Would you donate to this crazy idea?

So, here's the deal...I've been thinking about trying to get people to 'donate' money to a great cause on facebook or on a website, etc.  Let me know what you think and if you would indeed donate a few dollars to this...

 

There's this girl I know who used to be married to a tattoo artist.  At that time he and she planned out so many wonderful tattoos that would have covered her body in such a glorious array of black & white, color, etc.  Beautiful birds, sweet goblins, monarch butterflies to represent her grandmother, cherry blossoms, fish, bright orange tiger lilies (her favorite flowers), and so many other things.  Things she could be proud of.

Her husband, Jason Caporosso was an amazing tattoo artist.  Professional and extremely artistic.  He was a natural.  But he had problems and he killed himself.  She would have preferred to have him finish them himself but she would at least like to get the rest of them done as a memorial to him.

Obviously this story is about me.  I won't pretend to go any further with that he/she metaphor.  I've gotten a few tattoos since his death but they're so expensive and they just don't mean as much.  

However, as time passes and I think about those tattoos more and more; I find myself wanted them badly.  Now that I have an 8 year old son there are new tattoos I have to get as well.  For example; my weird little boy loves crabs.  To eat and to have as pets.  He wants me to get a really colorful one with his name on it.  I also want to get his thumbprint, my thumbprint and his daddy's, all together in a clover shape.  

The cost is...discouraging to say the least.  

But I've seen those facebook sites of half naked women with a few tattoos, showing off.  And I can't help but think that maybe if I put some 'sexy' pictures of my tattoos online...maybe I can get people to donate a few bucks to help me out.  Then I can post pictures of each new tattoo I get so people can see how important they can be when it comes to healing and family.   And how meaningful they can be.  

I'm 36 years old and I'm not all that sexy.  Really.  So my motives are not to attract young men or show off my mega sexy 36 year old tush.  That wouldn't work.  I know there's a legal way to have people give money as long as you use all of it for what you say you'll use it for.  

I wonder if anyone would be interested.  

I also need some help deciding where to go.  I've checked out Atomic Tattoos here in Pflugerville, Texas.  They seem okay.  But boy have prices gone up since 1999!  They said they would sit down with me and work out a full plan of how many tattoos I want to get and maybe go by the hour.

Please comment and let me know what you think.

I'll post some pictures of my own tattoos as soon as I can get my boyfriend to take a few pics of them.  Maybe my huge deficit will make you feel sorry for me.

Thanks

Depressing day....

  This is a picture of a baby stingray.  He's pretty cute right?  Couldn't help but cheer up the most uncheerful person on the planet right?  He looks like a fetal frog wearing a tutu, hiding in a bag of Miracle Whip.  Cute.  But for me it's been the kind of day when ever a baby stingray can't cheer me up.  The only bright spot in my day is Klonopin.  Pretty yellow pills that even out the rough spots.  Other wise I would proably go back to recording my conversations and believing that I could someday be a famous rock star like I did when I was still an unmedicated bipolar sufferer.  So, I guess by looking at this funky little animal it does kind of remind me that things could be worse.  Not for him because he's cute but for me....because I'm crazy.

     

What am I writing about?

I think what this blog will mostly be about is the relationship problems that I've been having and the issues that I have with bipolar disorder in general.
My goals are to get a part time job and to attend school for substance abuse counseling.  I don't know how I can handle all of that at once.  I'm terrified and I need someone to listen even (especially) if I know that nobody at all may be listening at all. 
I'm trying to work out so many things in my life right now.  I think this will help. 

Blog Numeral UNO...finding peace with help...

First of all I hate only having several fonts to choose from.  I like to match my fonts to my emotions so we'll have to fix that later on.  And of course I suppose the first thing I should do is introduce my son, Kane who is almost 8 years old.  This is one of my favorite pics of him playing in the tub.  I wish I could play in the tub like that but my cat box has to stay in my bathtub because otherwise my basset hound would snack out of it.  Nothing like a yummy kitty snow cap.

That's my other baby; Billy the basset hound.  She's two years old but she's really just a baby.  She's the worse dog in the whole world which makes her the absolute PERFECT basset hound.  I love her more than I love myself and would do just about anything for her.  Just look at her and you'd do the same.

Here's an even CUTER picture but I'm not sure how to flip it over yet.  Just wait. I'll figure it out.







Don't worry, I'm not going to go on about my dog, cats, rodents or kid.  I think I'll probably talk a little bit about more serious things.



This is me.  Sometimes.  Because I'm bipolar and that's just the way it is.
That's partly what this blog is about and also....
                                                                            I'm sometimes like this......
                               But that's about as good as it gets.  Not exactly the sunniest of suns is it?
When Duane (my boyfriend of 8 years) and I got together he thought I had multiple-personality disorder.  For some reason he stuck around; mostly because we had a baby.  Which we've never regretted having but recently I've started to think that this CAN'T be as good as it gets.  RIGHT?
I'm sure other people think that all the time.  I suppose that's what my blog will be about.  How things could be better.  How I could make them better and how maybe somebody out there can help me make them better.

Here's hoping that somebody can help me find a bit of peace along the way to a better life.